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Self-Help: Is it weird that I'm not attracted to confidence?

Almost all the dating advice I've read seems to say something about people being attracted to confidence. That and most people seem to have it listed as one of the things they're looking for in a partner. Well, I guess that makes me odd then, because I've never found confidence particularly appealing, by Rosa Fairfield.

I've always been that person to run a mile when approached by a seemingly friendly sales assistant. A radar goes off in my mind, *ding, ding, ding this person is going to try and persuade you to buy something you really don't want or need and they're going to persist no matter how many times you say no*. That's when I know it's time to get out of there fast.

That's what confidence feels like to me when I'm on a first date. It feels like a sales pitch. A facade. This person is trying to present all their good qualities to me... and that's great but then I start to wonder what they're not saying. Cuz, overall, I know I'm happy with who I am. I wouldn't want to be anyone else... but that doesn't mean I'm confident 24/7. I have my bad days, my doubts, my worries, I'm pretty vocal about it... and that doesn't mean I lack confidence or have a heavy dose of self-hate. I know my feelings are more relative than that.

When I go on a date with someone, I don't want them to sell themselves to me. I want to learn about the rounded person they are. It's those little moments when someone admits they're feeling a bit insecure that I start to feel like I'm taking to a follow human and not persona.

I also never feel confident in making the self-assured statements I so often hear people make, like:

... 'It's my goal to become a successful artist'
... 'I'm really outgoing'
... 'I'm ambitious'

I just know how subjective personality is, you could seem quiet to a flamboyant group of actors and outgoing to your colleagues in an office. One person might think you make the most amazing artwork and another person might think it's rubbish. So, sometimes, when people confidently tell me who they are, I observe something different based on my own life experiences. Then it becomes jarring.

People rarely seem to me who they think they are because who they think they are is relative. That's not to say I don't think we have a consistent baseline identity. I know I'm the same overall person I was 10 years ago but I think how people understand me varies greatly on their own perceptions.


I think this also comes down to me not being great at picking up on nonverbal cues. I could give you a lecture on the meaning of nonverbal cues and how to pick up on them based on everything I've read. You'd probably even think I was incredibly good at it. But knowing something in theory and doing it in the practice are two totally different things.

When I'm talking to someone, my focus is naturally on the words that the other person is saying and everything else is whitewashed out of existence. When I do make myself take in everything else, it takes me a while to pick up on and a while longer to work out the meaning behind it. You probably wouldn't even notice unless I pointed it out or made it obvious. But, yeah, whilst everyone else is picking up on the confident vibes, it's going completely over my head.


  1. I think you are very wise.
    I don't think it's weird at all to not be attracted to confidence!
    In the past I found a number of people who seemed less confident to be more genuine, to have more interesting personalities, and to be more caring - whereas the confident ones tend to be more self-centred, thoughtless and egotistical.
    I once wondered whether one person who was maintaining a constant smugly confident expression on their face would have maintained that expression even if a pigeon were to have pooped on their heads.
    Then again I haven't ventured out into the real world much lately.

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